god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Randomize
