Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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