pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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