You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
