I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i think my cat just said my name.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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