i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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