Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
