I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
