Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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