I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That was before I lit my hair on fire
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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