Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
