??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
