dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
