i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Never underestimate the power of titties
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
