honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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