Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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