Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
