And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
