it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
