i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
