there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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