My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
