I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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