grandma shit on top of the toilet
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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