I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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