my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
