I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
