My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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