Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
where are you?
Hypothermia
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
