Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
