if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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