question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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