I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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