What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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