the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
