Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
