Don't make out with my wife yet
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i out mim tonsoeep
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
