Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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