your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize