you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
