omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
