Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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