i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
