I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I puked a lego.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
