It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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