You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
