I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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