Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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