Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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