things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ladies don't puke and tell
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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