omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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