i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
