I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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