Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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