you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
