Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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