She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You need Xanax blowdarts
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
